Åter till Afrika!
Tack och Hej! =D
Over and out!
There is nothing left for me in Bergen now, so I have decided to move back home to Sweden. It feels really good, I am ready to come home now =)
Please check out my new home page; www.123minsida.se/mariamalawi where I am trying to collect money to sent to Olivia, Wilfred and Mr. Lemon. =)
I will miss writing this blog, and I am so thankful for everyone who followed me on this blog.. Thank you so much... =)
Over and out!
Zikomo kwambiri!
Maria
Travelled back in time...?
Than I went to Malawi for one year.
Today, I am in Bergen. Playing Dragon Age. Listening to my favorite music (the same as last year). Eating dolly dimples pizza's.
***
Last year, I was sad because I couldn't be with my boyfriend because I was leaving for Africa.
Then I went to Malawi for one year..
Today, I am sad because I can't be with my boyfriend because he is wroking on a boat outside south america.
It is so strange! After everything I have been through and experienced in Malawi... Is life supposed to just go back to.... normal? And yet, it doesn't feel normal.. It's a little bit... "Kafka-like". Surreal, creepy, and yet nice...
A little bit like tasting an old, favorite dish. It is familiar and very nice, but you feel like you want to add something to it. You don't want to leave it, but... yeah, make it better. Give it more substance and meaning...
Yepp... I need to spice things up here...
buuut I will wait a few weeks.. Right now, it is actually very, very comfortable with just being with myself, doing nothing.. =)
We will meet again
Leaving on a Jetplane - John Denver
So kiss me and smile for me
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Oh babe, I hate to go
So kiss me and smile for me
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Oh babe, I hate to go
Sadness.
Listening to this song on the plane and can't help but crying and think about everything... After 10 months of hard work and beautiful journeys and two days of non-stop crying and unbearable good byes, I am finally at home. It feels unreal, fantastic, sad and wonderful. When I think about Nkhoma, it feels like I am just on vacation and as if I'm going back to Malawi in a few weeks. I came to Bergen today, april 15, around 10 am, but it feels so.. unreal that I actually was in Malawi yesterday, together with Olivia, Gomez, Bertha and all the others...it is sad, so sad... And wierd. That the adventure in Malawi is over. The year has past, we are done with our work. Nkhoma hospital now has a new emergency unit, a new triage-system and new routines and protocols... I cant understand that we have actually been able to do what we have done.. When I think back at all the struggles and all the work... I can't believe we actually managed to complete it! It feels like it has all been a dream right now... But also it feels like a dream being home, and as if Nkhoma and Malawi is "the real life"... I tell you, this is a very confusing situation. =)
| Let's say goodbye with a smile, dear, Just for a while, dear, we must part. Don't let the parting upset you, I'll not forget you, sweetheart. We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when, So will you please say hello to the folks that I know, After the rain comes the rainbow, |
Olivia is waving good bye
Goodbye Sprut and Fainess <3
Happiness!! =D
Now I am with my Christian, and I am as happy as can be. He is the most wonderful man I've ever met (You need proof? Listen to this: he forced me into a shoe store today and bought me new shoes. How's that for an example of his fantastic-ness?). I just can't believe he is mine! I am so happy to be home.. It gives me shivers. I cant understand that it is true, and not a dream!! I woke up on saturday morning. Before I had opened my eyes, I was convinced that I was still in Nkhoma under the mosquito net and the me coming home, was just a dream. I didn't wanna open my eyes, and see that it had just been a dream that I was home, with Christian. I didn't wanna wake up and see the dirty roof and feel the smell of old DOOM spray in the room, and realize that is, as usually, just had been a dream that I was now back home with Christian (I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt that!!)
* * *
So.. I am home, and I guess this is the end... In a way.
Maybe there will be another blogg entry here later on...And I guess I might continue blogging.
But for now I want to say Good bye everybody! Thank you so much for reading my blog. I am so happy for all the readers, you know one day I had over 300 readers! But mostly I have had around 50 per day. I am so happy for that! It is so cool that so many people wanted to read... =)
So, thank you very much.
Sikomo kwambiri asiamyi, asibambo. Ndi ku sowa kwambiri, ndi kukondi kwambiri.
Pepani, pompano ndi kupita ku nyumba... =(
Mulungo akadalitseni.. <3
One last picture of Lake Malawi.... <3
Signing Out....
This is Me,
signing out...
Farewell dear Nkhoma. I don't know what to say.. What I feel right now is stronger and yet more delicate than anything I've ever felt before. To say good bye to all the people I love here, especially Olivia... It broke my heart. Completely. Mr. Lemon, Wilfred, Victor, Langton,Elisabeth... Gomez and Bertha (who spends the night here cause I am to devastated to sleep), Nyathipa.. Justice... Florence, Stella, Eliza, Rebecca, Dr. Morton, Dr. Nagy, Alex, Dickson, Daniel, Sam, Martha, Mrs Sedek, Beatrice, Gertrude.... Mrs Sambani, Mr Madetsa... Mercy,, Ndasisira... Jessie and James...
The Nagy kids, the Madetsa kids, the Ter Haar kids, the Jones kids...
Spot and sprut....I have sprut here now, I don't know where Spot is.. I pet Sprut and bury my nose in her fur.. Just smelling her.. These dogs, especially Spot, has meant the world for me since I came here.. I just start crying again now just by thinking about him, so I better try to stop.. But it doesn't really matter, I've been Crying non stop all day long anyway....
The absolute worst part was to say good bye to Olivia.. She is the one person her in Malawi that I truly feel for the most, deep in my heart.. She is always so happy.. always smiling, no matter what problem she faces.. She always says “Aaa NO problem!” and laughs... But today, she took me in to my room and hugged me, and just started crying so heavily. Crying as if her heart was pouring out with the tears.. She don't speak english, but I told her how much she means to me, and I know that she understood me. If I could help her... If I could take away what is ruining her life by cutting off my own arm I would do that in a heart beat.. But I can't.. I can just promise to help her from a distance, send her money so she can buy good food and so her children can go to school...And Faines and Gracie.. Especially little Faines... She was born during my stay here, and I have seen her every day since. I know her every little move, her every little speciality.. the way she “curls” her nose when she laughs, the way she plumps with her lips... I know her every sound, and I know what it means.. It is as if she was my very own baby, and I just can't bear the thought of never see her grow up, start walking, talking... She will not remember me when she gets older, but I will think of her and of her mother everyday for always. I love them with all my heart.
Today has been a day of crying. Noone has been happy today. The security guard is crying outside the door. I am crying, Link is crying... Gomes is crying.. I will miss Gomes so much! We really became close friends these last months.. I really wish she can come to Norway or Sweden to visit me one day..
So, Tomorrow, the plane leaves. I've pealed the silver of my last ZAIN-unit.. I've eaten my last portion of Olivia-made Nzima. I've spent my last night under a mosquito net... Well, at least for this time.
I can really tell you, that this adventure has shaken my whole perception of life in it's foundation. Malawi, and particularly Olivia, has taught me that a human being has so much more strength inside than she can ever understand herself. And I am for ever grateful for that.
Next time I'll write, I'll be on Scandinavian soil. Hopefully closely held by Christian with a steaming cup of hot chocolate and a dolly dimples pizza in front of me... I am done here now, I am ready and longing to go back to my own world...But, it is not easy leaving a world that effect you so much more than anyone can ever understand.
Pics for the last two blog entries
My always smiling Olivia
Me and Olivia
Me, my husband and my baby...... =)
Olivia and beautiful Little Faines Emma (Emma is a name I gave her! Olivia wanted her to have a swedish name=))
Car break-down... (5 hours waiting....!)
We found a dead hyena by the side of the road...
Gule Vam Kules, dead hyena and Car break down(s)....
Me and Christian got chased by two gule vam kules when we visited Wilfreds home, and I have also seen them many times along the roads. Sometimes chasing people, sometimes performing rituals. They are also hired sometimes for official dances and stuff. It is really cool! Christian, you remeber the ones dancing at Liwonde? Those dressed as different anuimals and demons. they were all Gule vam Kules. And those dancing with the masks at Crossroads aswell. Really cool!
Anyway, another intresting thing.. On the way to Mua mission, we found a big, dead hyena on the side of the road. It was HUGE! We stopped the car and looked at it, and it was amazing to see it so close. Just sad that it was dead.. I find hyenas to be beautiful creatures! So powerful and mysterious.. I raelly like them. And now when we were able so study it very close, it is almost a little bit scary to know that they are walking outside out house during night time... But they mostly eat dead or wounded animals, so I've never really been worried about them. But really beautiful was he, and I wished he didn't have to die... =(
On the way home we had SOME PROBLEMS....! we left Mua Mission at 11.30. The car ride is supposed to take 1.5 hour... We were home in Nkhoma at 7.30 PM..... Whats not right here....!? Weell, we had three car break downs. First, flat tire. Waiteed for three hours for soem poor guy on a bike to go to closest village to find a new one or to fix the old one. Then we drove again. 10 minutes. Battery collapse!! Or something, i don't know. But the next 1 hour and 45 minutes we were stuck in a muddy village on a dirt road, surrounded by 200 children staring at us! And the battery was outside the car. People moving around with it... Outting different things into the engine.. I ahve NO IDEA what they were doing, but it seemed to us as if they were building a whole new engine from sugar canes and sticks. THEN we moved again. We came out from the bush and the dirt roads, and BANG! New flat tire. Waiting, waiting, waiting.. New fixing, more waiting.... GAA!!!!!'' I walked around and asked people to get me guavas cause I was so hungry! =) (Guavas as GREAT!).
Anyway, we came home.. finally.
And btw, I fixed my hair again! Or, Gomez did. We started on wednesday, and continued eveeryday, 3 or 4 hours a day wed, thurs and friday. Then yesterday we sat for 11 hours!! the whole day. But finally we finished, and it looks really nice!! The braids are much smaller this time then last time, and much lighter to carry.
Ok!! goooood Night!!
Seven days til departure
Seven days is what is left of our 10 months long stay in Malawi. And I will be honest - I am realy happy to go home now!! =D But I will miss the people here so much.. I think the person I will miss the most is Olivia. Our housemaid. She is such a wonderful person, and she has so many problems in her life, but she never complains. You will never hear this woman complain. No matter what. If the things that have happend to her would happen to me, I don't think I would ever be able to be happy again. But se smiles, everyday. And she says "Aaa Pa libe mabvuto!" (=No problem!). Thats her motto, her... life's philosophy. No problem. Whatever comes, it goes.
But I know that she is very sad that we leave now. She do not know what to do, it is very difficult to find a job for a housemaid here. Especially one that has an OK sallary. So I decided to gove her some money, so that she can manage some months after we leave. And also, I will try to help her a bit from home as well, sending some money through western union bank. I have always been thinking of sending money to some kind of charity, but instead of doing that, i will send money to Olivia and her two little daughters.
Yesterday I gave her a farwell gift, 40.000 kwatcha, which is about 1700 SEK/ 200 US$. My mother helped me with the money, so Olivias thanks is most of all for her =).
When Olivia got the money, she just sat down on the floor. And stayed there for half an hour. She was in shock! I sat down with her, and we talked about a lot of other things, but not about the money. She was unable to talk about it. Then, she stood up, did some work, and then she started laughing. the most beautiful laughter! =) She laughed so much she almost started crying, and repeated the sum of money she just had recieved. She couldn't believe it was true! Then she hugged me over and over again and she said "I am very happy!".
40.000 kwatcha for me would be a pair of jeans and a nice dinner. For her, it is almost a whole years sallary. It is food for her and her children for a year... You can imagine! It was amazing to witness how happy she was, and I felt that giving something to someone, is really the best feeling in the world. The most tuching thing was a thing she said.. she got a distant look on her face, like if she was dreaming, and then she looked at me, and her face burst into a giant smile, and she said "I can buy a chair!".
Thank you mama!! =))))
Olivia with Grace, years, and Faines, 4 months. =)
Dedza, minibuses and farewells...
Ok! Where to start... =) Ok, lets go backwards..
Today (sunday)
Farewell party for Jan and Trudy at their home.
Saturday:
I can tell you one thing.. If there is one thing I hate more than anything in this world, it is the minibuses in Malawi. I hate them, even more than I ahte the witch doctors.. (or maybe not more... I think witch doctors, minibuses and spiders are sharing my number one hate award...). Yesterday, I woke up with this aching urge for chocolate!! I have not had THAT severe need for chocolate in years, but now it was just.. suicidal! (do I have to tell you what part of the month it is...?).. anyway, I decided to take a trip to Lilongwe. By minibus. Off course, as always with minibuses, you just have to be prepared for anything. No time schedules, over full busses, Goats in your lap, children screaming, crying, peeing, shitting.. drunk people, sick people, incredible delays, fuel shortage, car collapse, doors falling of, people hanging on the outside of the bus while driving... well, pretty much anything. I have gotten used to it, so that is ok. BUT NOT ALL OF IT AT THE SAME TIME!!!!! The drive to lilongwe usually takes around 50 minutes. This day, it took.. TADA! 3 HOURS. Yepp. In the middle of nowhere, the driver realised we had no fuel. dirver walked away. Waited for 20 minutes. Then we all went out of the bus and caught another one. Moved everything over and left. We never saw "our" driver again. In the bus, maybe it is supposed to take 12 people, we were around.. 25. whereof some were children (yep, peeing, screaming etc etc..)Plus 5 goats. Plus 3 chickens. Goats were screaming (cause people were sitting on them) the chickens were screaming and shitting everywhere. AND off course all the luggage. Horrible. The door was hardly attached to the car, so one guy had to hold on to it the whole way. Radio on MAX volume on old, broken speakers. Horrible, horrible horrible!!!! Warm, sweaty, tired, uncomfortable (do I have to tell you that the seats were only consisting of metal with no support for the back...?) GAA. Well. I got to lilongwe. Stayed there for 45 minutes
(ATM -->SHOPRITE (CHOCOLATE) -->back to busstation). The last busses back to nkhoma leave lilongwe arounf 4 pm. And I reached Lilongwe at 3 pm. Soo it was a shit. But luckily, I found my taxi driving friend, who offered to take me all the way back to Nkhoma in his c ar, in exchange for a small fee and a chicken I acutally happend to have in my garden at home (a patient gave it to me as a gift the same morning). He was happy, I was happy. Then i crashed in the sofa for the rest of the night.
Friday
Went to Dedza pottery. By minibus (woohoo!!!!). I had a lot of pottery I couldnt fit in my bag, so I decided to take it back to the shop and ship it home. It was very affordable. 10 kgs of pottery shipped all the way from malawi to sweden for 500 SEK. (Ca 50 euro). So I had my last dedza cheesecake. The best cheesecake in the wntire world. Oh my god I will miss it... But during my divine, holy, "last-dedza-cheesecake-moment", a guy came up to me. He had heard me telling someone that I was a nurse, and he asked me if he could show me something. Against better knowledge I said yes (out of un-cureable curiosity). He took off his shoe, and his sock, and liftet to my face an infected toe full of puss. "What can i do woth this??" he asked me. The smell was petrifying.. I tried to look at the foot, chew and swallow my cheesecake and holding my breath at the same time.. Not very sucessful. Anyway, I told the guy a name of an antibiotic ointment he should buy at the pharmacy, and I quickly escaped. well... I guess it was in a way a good thing. It made my "last-dedza-cheesecake-moment" very.. Memorable.
Thursday
THE OFFICIAL GOODBYE PARTY FOR ME AND LINK! And also for Jennifer, Jan and Trudy who is leaving next week aswell. It was so beautiful, and very hard to realize that it was about us.. The whole hospital staff was there, clinicians, nurses, patient attendents, receptionists, cleaners, maintanance workers..... everyone!
And Mr Ter Haar held a speach, the general secretary held several speeches to each one of us.. I held a speach in chichewa! Big success!! =) The ward attendents were dancing, the men were drumming, we got presents.. And everyone was given food, beef stew with rice. We all sat together, watched the dances and ate with our hands (you always do that here. It is considered good behavior). It was both happy and sad, but honestly, most of all I am happy. I WANT TO GO HOME!!
=D=D=D
The ladies who cleans the hospital, sing and dance.
* * * 
Women dancing, men drumming. 
Speach!! Speach, Bilbo, SPEACH!!! (...)
Me, Link, and the hospital chaplain.
* * *
TODAY it is the 3:rd of APRIL and only 11 days to go!!!! YEEEHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I watched the terminal this morning, you know the Steven Spielberg movie with Tom Hanks... And I absolutely LOVED watching the airport!! Im longing until I am at amsterdam Airport, Schiphol... Ooo!!! I wanna go Hooooome!!!
Oh, and two new things i will MISS when going home: Guava (fresh from a tree in our garden. Sooo yummie!!) and aloe vera. We have a big bush in our garden, just to go out, cut some leaves of and smeer the fluids into your face. Perfect, heals everything!! Does wonders to your skin.
In the bush
I joined Links family (who came down last week to visit) to South Luangwa national park in Zambia. It was a kind of budget bush safari, we lived in tents and we ate outside. It reminded me of when i was a girl scout as a kid! =) there were i think 9 tents, but we were only 8 people, and all the other shared two and two so I got a tent al to myself. It was so nice, I slept like a baby! At least the two last nights. the first night I had a "bongolollo" in my tent. It is a bug, maybe 7 centimetres long (ICK!!), that makes a TERRIBLE sound! IT is so high you cant imagine! I have a video of one of them, but internet is too slow to put it up. You really have to hold your hands over your ears when it starts. I had to go up and find a camp security guard to remove it... ;)
We went on 4 safari tours, two day drives and two night drives. It was very beatiful, and the guide, Moses, knew so much. He was really really good. The most interesting thing i learned was that an elephants penis, when erected, can weigh up to 27 (!!!!!!!!!) KILOS. Can you imagine...? 27 kilos. Puh! I am so glad I am not an elephant lady.
We saw a lot fo giraffs, hippos, zebras, Kudos, waterbucks, buffalos, Impalas, warthogs... Moongooses.. Hyenas... Crocodiles.. And even a leopard! It was really cool, we saw a bunch of impalas (small antiloopes) making a special sound, a warning sound for predator as Moses said. We watched them for a bit, and then we changed the direction of the car. and me and link who was in the back, suddenly found ourselves face to face with a ready-to-jump leopard in the bush. He quickly retreated back into the bush. We were so angry with ourselves for moving the car and scaring him!! If we had just waited a few more seconds, we would with no doubt had seen him run out of the bush and take down an impala! But weell, at least we saw him. AND yeah!! We saw baboons making more baboons!! I even took a movie of it. It was hilarious!! But my camera didn't work very well.. so the video is very fuzzy... But I tell you, It was just soo funny!!!
A little disapponting was the dact that all the lions were hiding for us. everyone else who's been there has described the msot amazing meeting with lions. But we didn't see a single one. The guide said we were the first group he ever had that didn't see lion.... =((( But we heard them, though! During night. They were roaring in the bush. Pretty cool!! Especially when you live in a tent.
The bush is beautiful, peaceful.. Quiet in the day, and in the night it fills up with thousand diferent sounds. It is an amazing experinece to see the sun set over the african savanna, smelling, tuching and hearing the nature. At one piont, when we stopped the car on the top of a big hill to watch the sunset, I just laid down in the high grass and closed my eyes. Just let my body become one with the dirt beneath me. It is just amazing.
BUT, I must admit... I have been on several safaris now, I live close to the bush everyday, I am living in the middle fo it. And honestly, sitting in the grass in south luangwa, watching the impalas and zebras... In this stunning beauty.. suddenly, I got a very clear picture in my head of Gothenburg train station. Cold turmac, chewing gums stuck on the ground, hundreds of feet running in every direction.. hot dog and coke from the kiosk... And you know what? I did'nt feel horrified. I missed it! SO much!!! I felt very strong that I would change all this beauty in a heart beat, for standing on gothenburg trainstation. wierd, huh? I think I've had it with africa for a while. Im tired of beauty and nature and everything.. don't get me wrong.. the world here is amazing... But I miss home, so much!! and I think gothenburg train station is the perfect picture of being on the way home for me.
South luangwa (pic taken from google)
vs.
Gothenburg train station (pic. taken from google)
Orphans and how to become a woman
Today I visited a school run by Nkhoma hospital for orphans. It was a very litte school, 30 children and no class rooms, not even a school building. They normally have their lessons under a tree, but now during the rainy season they moved in to an old chicken house close to the tree. It had not been chickens in it for a long time, so it didn't smell. The teacher was a young lady with a baby on her back. She was very enthusiastic, and the children were this day practicing counting 1 to 5 in english and the letters A E I O U. They were repeating the name of the number or the letter while the techer pointed at it on the black board (which was not really a black board, just a piece of wood put up on the wall). It was very fun to be there, the children where happy and eager to learn, they didn't even wanna go for break! =)
The teacher had her own little baby, and sometimes during the day the baby needed food. So she just started breastfeeding the baby and continued the lesson with the baby hanging from her nipple. That was so charming! =) Are teachers allowed to bring their babies to classes at home..? =) Is it even accepted to breast feed in public...? I think it is beautiful, and one thing that i love about Malawi is that no one here cares. a breast is a breast, it's meant for feeding your baby. That's it. No one looks strange at you for breast feeding in public here. They do it anywhere at anytime! =) It is completely natural. I love the simplicity here! =)
The school ends around noon, and then the childrne returns the their villages. Most of them lives with a relative or a family friend.
Did you know that one reason to all the orphans, it's the ceremoni they do in certain parts of Malawi to help a girl become a woman? for a girl to become a woman, she needs to live in the house of an older man for one month after she had her first period. The man has sex with her, and "teaches" her how to please a man. Most of these girls end up pregnant. But because they are very young, around 12, and not married, they are sent away for 9 months to give birth and leave the child with someone else. Most likely a grandmother. Then the child has never happend. the girl never had a child, and the child is classed as an orphan. That is why there are so many old women walking around with small babies on their backs. Sick tradition, huh??
When the grim reaper comes..
Yulita was well nourished, no other problems. Her mother was very caring and sweet. When she came, the first thing I did was to take blood sample for grouping so we could get her a blood transfusion as soon as possible. She was awake, breathing and crying, but I knew that with that Hb, she could just faint and die any minute.
Sending the samples to the lab, I discovered that the Lab staff was not at work. Ther had not started their day yet. tried to call the one on call, but the hospital phones where not working by some reason. Frustration started to get to me, the morning had been horrible concering that kind of problems. The room was not well equipped as it should have been on a monday morning; we had no gloves, no dextrose. No nothing. And the most important thing we have in that room is dextrose. But we had none. Because someone didn't bother to order it. Anyhow, when Yulita came, I sent people in every direction to collect everythign that we missed. And after a while, we had most things.
I gave Yulita quinine for the malaria, and extra dextrose. Her blood sugar was very low. And I put her on oxygen.
She seemed stable, and the other nurses went to do soem other work. We discussed wither we shuld take her to the ward or keeo her in the room, but I wanted to keep her under good surveilance until she had had the blood transfusion. Before that, I did not want to consider her stable.
I sat by her side just observing her for maybe 30 minutes, she was breathing and looked ok. No blood yet. At this point, we had waited for almost an hour for the blood. And in an emergency like this, you are supposed to get in within 15 minutes. She was totally depending on oxygen, and as long as she was on oxygen, she was fine.
BUT... off course... this ins Malawi. Nothing works. And the oxygen concentrator suddenly stopped working. I turned it on and off, banged it, yelled at it, but it didn't want to produce oxygen. I called the electritian, and tried to wake up the child who quickly fell in to unconsciousness when she no longer got oxygen. I shook her, tapped her body, pinched her and gently slapped her, all to keep her awake. But she just fell faster and faster into the grim reapers arms... I called for help, and started CPR. a clinician and a nurse came to assist, and we attached the heart starter. It couldn't sense any heart activity, and did not advise shock. So we continued normal CPR, and for 65 minutes I and the other nurse massaged her heart and gave her breaths. That is a very long time to do CPR. We intubated her, gave her adrenaline and dextrose.. the blood came in the middle of everything, and I ordered the pther nurse to start just pushing it into her little body. If she was to come back to us, heart heart needed blood to move around, otherwise the compressions would be almost useless...
I did everything I could think of. But after more than an hour I had to face it... I had lost to the reaper.. again. I dont know how many times he has been pulling children out my arms since I came to Malawi... I stopped counting. I didn't win this time either... But at least I gave him a fight..
Would she have lived if she got the blood earlier...? would she have been alive long enough to get the transfusion if the oxygen concertrator hadn't stopped working? I don't know... But what I do know, is that it is a very difficult feeling... It is even difficult to describe. Can you imagine how it would be to witness a beautiful little girl like that, die because the equippment is badly maintained, and because people are not where they are supposed to be? And you being the only one deciding what to do, thinking out the next step when the first time didn't take you where you wanted... Usually doctors decide to stop CPR after maybe 30 minutes. I continued for an hour. Becasue of many things... I didn't want to give up. I didnæt want to make the decission. I wanted someone to come and put a hand on my shoulder and say, no, stop it.. It is not working. I wanted someone else to take the decission. But I had to do it. I had to decide that she was not gonna wake up.
All the time we tried to resucitate her, her grandmother stood by her side. Even when things got very un pleasant, she didn't leave, och move. She understood at the same time we stopped CPR that her girl was dead, noone had to tell her. She just looked at me, and looked at the other nurse, and started pressing Yulitas lips together, and then she looked at her, holding her mouth, and the she took her hand and closed the girls eyes. Then she closed her own, and started singing, high, and loud. The mother of the girl came in, together with the father. The fell in to the singing, and the mother gave up a wail you can't even imagine how it sounded. Like a wounded animal. Her child was dead. The sorrow and the pain she felt, must be beyond anything words can ever express. Then, the grandmother took Yulita on her back, tied her with a cloth, and walked home. followed by the crying mother and father. All the way home, they would sing and wail and cry.
No one should have to see thier child die... No one.
Mponda breakfast and african magic
Tonight, I could not sleep good at all.. I was stupid enough to believe i was cured from my night mares and could with out problems read a scary book before sleeping, but not... =( The book was called "Someone in your bed" and was about a could and dark creature that crawled up next to a girl in her bed when she turned out the lights... Ick. Not good.... especially not when you have hyenas lurking around just outside your window, howling, looking for food in the garden. We have had a lot fo them lately, around 11 pm they start coming down the mountain. You know when they approach, because all the stray dogs suddenly become silent. They usually fight, and bark och howl, but when hyenas are close, they all stay away, hiding. They don't want to get into a fight with a hyena... I really wish to see a hyena, I am not afraid of them.. But as long as you only hear them, they get some kind of powerful mysticism about them. And you can hear, right outside your bedroom window, but you can't see it, cause as soon as you pull the curtain away, it is allready gone.
There are a lot of stories about african magic here and the people really believe in it, no matter how educated they are. They believe that people can put curses on each other. They can make someone become sick as a punishment, or just because they are evil. Not everyone can put a curse or practice magic, only some people. the traditional doctors (witch doctors) can do it, and they can also shift they shape. They can turn in to any animal, preferably a hyena, and then they sneak around during night, collecting secrets from people, learning dark magic. We had a situaton recentely in Nkhoma.. Some people burned a hyena, and the same day a witch doctor went missing. The newspapers put out the news; "Traditional doctor in shape of hyena killed". Everyone believed so, even the staff at the hospital. The scary thing is, that this witch doctor is still missing, many weeks later. So who know? Maybe it is true! Maybe there are not hyenas lurking around our house in the night, but people practising dark magic...?
When you ask the people here, why no muzungo (white person) has ever experienced anything, they simply say "Witch craft doesn't work on muzungo!" And for them, it is true. Even the really educated ones, they believe so. I find it amazing. People here live so close to nature, and everything turns into magic.
A friend of ours, Keith, is a nurse at the hospital. And he is very educated, very modern and very "westernized" if I can say so. And even he says it is true. He once saw a person turn in to a beatle and fly away.
In the hospital, there was a guy in the staff accused for witch craft, and accused to put spells and curses on the other staff members and their familys. Noone wanted to talk to him, everyone turned against him, and it all ended with the hospital priest together with a lot of staff members walked from house to house in Nkhoma to pray together with everyone for this man.
Can you imagine the world I ve lived in for a year?? =)
44 Days!!
This is how we cook a chicken in Malawi! TODAY we have exactely 44 days left in Malawi! I dont know what to say... I long so much to go home, but it starts to feel... Very strange. to leave all this!!
Today i was in lilongwe. I tried to order two pizzas; ONE small to eat in the restaurant, and ONE big to take away. Noooo.... "What...?" I explained again. "Hmm.. Noo... We cant do that". So I say: "OK. Can I buy TWO pizzas?" "yes" "Can I Buy one small to eat here?" "Yes". "Can I buy a big one to take home?" "Yes." "So! Problem solved! Give me a small one here, and pack a big one for me to take home!" *Long paus* then:" No. That is impossible. You have to order the same size".. WHAT!!!??? Aaaa.... I was tired, no energy to discuss. So we compromised; I got 2 medium pizzas. Gaaah. But actually Im not annoyed, I just thought it was fun =) I just felt "aaaa this is My malawi! Everything is a mess, but it is so nice!" the pizza guys were happy, I was happy. Palibe mabvuto! No problem! =)
Blood going for HIV-testing.
Well...It starts feeling sad to leave! I will miss everything so much!! The goats and stray dogs walking around in the hospital corridores... Chickens and children everywhere... Traffic jams caused by too many cows (??) on the road.. All the warm, smiling faces....
My Fanta-guys outside the hospital <3
AND the Nsima... Nsima everywhere! Patients sharing in the corridores, on the floors... You canät imagine how is is. It sound miserable, but it is not! It is so beautiful! The more time I spent here, the less I want to change. Everyone here is happy! They have Nothing. They are dirty. They have horrible diseases. Ther are poor. But hey are just smiling! Everyone is happy. At home, we are all so depressed, even though we have everything we could possibly need! So who is right... Africa or us?
Agogo carrying Nsima in the hosspital corridores
Now, we are going for dinner at isabelles house.
Bye bye! =)
Le Grand Finale!!!
But they really loved it, it was for sure a sucessfull workshop!! =)
And yesterday, THE GRAND FINALE! There were going to be a ceremoni. And what a ceremoni!!! The chiefs were invited, from all the villages close by, all the staffmembers, the whole management of the hospital and the team from norway, Solveig and Vigdis. There were a lot of speaches and celebration with traditional dances! And in the end, me and Link and bertha and nyathipa got to go up to the stage, and the chief and Solveig and the medical director and Sam Kabota held such a wonderful speach for us, about what we had done. It was... I cant explain it. Winning an Oscar maybe would feel like that.. Everyone was applauding and smiling, the whole staff! I never thought there would be such a big ceremoni! =D The medical director said
"You didn't just help us start emergency care. Maria and Linn Kristin, you have been making changes in our way of thinking, and you have been changing our hearts".
It was so wonderful said! That has been our biggest task, to make the staff understand and care about the patients. We have been trying to change their attitudes, and It looks as if we are succeding! =D
Anyway, It was a Beautiful ceremoni and I think.. I will never experience something like it again. I wish I could show you the ceremoni!! The dances were so amazing, and they were drumming... aaa! Amazing! Im Euforic!!!!
:D:D:D Now I want to go home to Chirstian. Now Im done here. But weeeeell, seven more weeks... But that is not very long though. Soon I AM HOME!!!!
JAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
21 february
21/2
A 10 year old girl died today. We were trying to resucitate her, but without sucess. I felt guilty, cause I was the one recieving her in the ER. Than I had to go to the workshop, so I left over to another nurse. Than, I went back to see if everything was ok, and I found the child unconscius in the childrens ward. The staff had allready started resucitating her. I joined with our new heart starter (defibrillator) but without success. The doctor in command did not want to listen to the heart starter, but just wanted to do her own way and then the heart starter wont work.. So everything got a bit confused. This doctor mostly seems to consider it more important the BE right than to DO right. Anyhow, the child got over all good assessment, but she died anway. But she would have died whatever happend today. She had an Hb of 2 (20, in sweden) and she had been at the traditional doctors place (witch doctor) for a whole week. The mother didn't want to take the child to the hospital, cause she thought tha child would then die. And well, she was right. She took the girl here, and she died. But that was because she was to late, and not because of anything done in the hospital. The child was bwyond rescue. It was very sad, the girl was beautiful and strong, good health.. I just felt... I should not have left her in the ER with the other nurse. I know she was very sick, but I didn't think she was that ill that she would die within an hour.. Maybe I could have realized the severity of her condition earliet, maybe I would have decided not to move her from the ER and started the nlood transfusion right there and then... But on the other hand, maybe not. And In any case, so would most likely have been dead no matter what...
I remember she cried when I put the cannula, which is a good sign. But unfortunately, I think that cry was her last. Imagine her last moments in life. Pain, and horror. A strange white face leaning over her little body, causing her pain with sharp needles without understanding why.. Fuck. I remember the mother was really stressed, and she was really worried... Aaa I dont know what to feel. If the mother had come earlier to the hospital with this beautiful, big, well nurished child, she would have been alive now. So Im feeling anger towards the fucking horrible witch doctors. I wish they could be forbidden and banished, for ever. Imagine the harm they do! Innocent people, children, die because they trust these fucking hypocrits... I am so angry there are no limits. If I could get my hands on one of these withc doctors..... I would strangle him in a heartbeat. I see all these people dying because they believe in something hurting them.... Aaaa.... Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, the workshop is working well.... Solveig (our boss) and Vigdis (midwife) has come here from Noray to attend the workshop. It is very nice to have them here! Also, I last week had Sofia and Daniel here for a visit. We went to the lake (Norman Carr!!!!) and to safari in Liwonde. Good as always! But not many animals as in the dry season, but well, we saw a lot of elephants anyway. Now, Sofia and Daniel are travelling to Victoria falls. I bet it will be amazing!! I hope I can go there before I go home... It was nice to have them here... =) It feels strange showing your life here for someone from home.. It's like.. No one can really understand it. You know what I mean?
And now... SOON Home!!! Only 7 weeks left here now... Can you believe it?!? I Dont know what to feel. It will be wonderful coming home, but leave all this also feels... very sad. Horrible. It has been my home for a year. Will I be able to adapt to the work and life in Norway?? Have I been africanized? I don't know... There are so many thing I will miss...Anyway, I want to go home, so that will be amazing. I'm longing to be with Christian again..
Then I guess I will see what the future will bring.
Good night.
Misery and luxury
It was so frustrationg, cause there was no reason for what had happend... She was healthy, some problems with high blood pressure, but not to much. she was only 36 and had given birth to a little baby girl just 4 days earlier. Now, the husband was left alone with 4 children to care about. They had ahd 6 children, but two of them had died from Malaria. The husband was devastated. When he had left the room, I couldn't help crying.. It just came over me. And when we transported the body to the morgue, and all the pateints followed, maybe 30 people, all crying and wailing and singing, with the husband walking next to med and the body... It was so hard and I really had to bite my teeth together to not start crying again... It is such a hard decision to take, continue resucitation or not... How do you know...? But she was dead all ready before she came in to the ER, so I know there was no more we could have done... But it feels like shit anyway.
* * *
After, I went to Lilongwe to meet Sofia and Daniel! =D Spent a night at the luxurious hotel crossroads (LOVE IT!!!) and had a wonderful pedicure and manicure for over an hour today, in a cool salon with nice music. It was amazing! Such a contrast from the some how hard life in Nkhoma. Now we are going to check out lilongwe, and then Justice (my guardian angel!!) will pick us up and drive us back to Nkhoma. Tonight it's pizza night at Isabelles place, and tomorrow Taffy from Norman Carr picks us up and we're going to Monkey Bay for 5 days!! YEEEAHHHH!!!!! Guess I'll write again from Norman Carr.
Kisses! Maria
Malnurished children and climbing a mountain!
We are getting in a lot of patients with dehydration and malnutrition nowadays, adn the worst case i saw... was really horrible.
I was in the emergency room, and suddenly a patient attendant came, half running, into me. she just said "I dont know if the child is aliva och dead". I looked at the child, and what I saw almost made me jump back. He was 8 years old, and he was 5 kilos. I was 5 kilos when I was born! Try to picture that, an infants weight on a 8 year old. .Try to picter skin, and bone. Nothing more. His skin was tighly strechted over his face and body, his eyes were big and the tissue around them were just two big cavities. His mouth was wide open, and full of blisters and wounds. His hair was falling off his head, and his skin was so dry it looked like pergement paper. I almost started crying just by looking at him, and I even felt a bit.. discomfort when tuching him at first. He looked dead. Ha had a body of a corpse. But I could feel tiny tiny movements in his limbs, and his eyes were moving around. He was not able to speak, he could only make little whimps. My mind was mixed, i felt anger, sorrow, disgust, frustration and warmth. I just wanted to pick him up and take him home, feed him and dress him.. Anyway, we managed to give him a nasogastric tube, a tube that goes through the nose and down in the stomach. Link managed to get an IV-cannula in on his head. We gave him fluids, but we had to do it very slowly, cause he could go into heartfailure.. I have a picture of him, but i dont even want to put it up here. It was just to sad. But two days later, when I saw him on the ward he was much betteer. Still the same skeletal body, but he sat up and he was more awake. I dont know what will happen to a child like him...
Today it is sunday, and I actually climbed a mountain! =) We went up on Nkhoma mountain, that is 1800 meters high! It was a hprrible walk, and the last 600 meters where like 75 degrees steep, so we really had to climb with both hands and feet. Spot followed us all the way to the top! He is such a good dog.
The top was amazing, we walked straight in to a cloud, and we waited for it to move on. Everything was completely white! When the cloud moved on, we could see everything. We saw lilongwe, the lake, cape maclear... It was really beautiful. But well, the walk was truly terrible and I will never EVER do that again!
Now, time for dinner!
Bye bye!
Chatting on the beach
January 30, 2011
The best moments spent in Malawi, are the moments at the beach, chatting with people. It's like you're being taken out of time, like everything is the way it always been and always will be.
This has been a lovely weekens at Cool Runnings, Senga bay. It must be my favorite place... 99% because of the people there. Sam, the owner. A timeless lady, who might aswell be 25 as 75, She is beautiful, with thick long hair all the way down to her hips. There is Henry and Felix who works in the bar and in the garden... Two wonderful malawians, always smiling and helpful, and they always gets your coffeorders wrong, but that is like a part of what makes thyem wonderful..
And my boys on the beach! In the beginning, I was a good costumer. But now, I am a friend. They share their food with me, even though they know I have enough money to buy whatever I want for myself. But they insist. I most of time sit with them in their shelter with wood craft on the beach, chatting about nothing and everything.. Listening to the waves clasp the shore, gazing over the lake at the fisher men in their little wooden canoes heading against Lizard Island. Polishing some wood crafts with the guys.. It is just so amazing.
And one of them, he is a hero. The guys found a starving little boy outside their shelter last week. He was almost unconscious from hunger. They took him to Sam (who is also a nurse) who tested him for everythingg.. Malaria, TB, Pneumonia, HIV... The little boy tested positive on everything. Stage 3 HIV. But this guy, he took care of him, and found out that his mother had died from HIV and his father had then abandoned him. The boy was devastated, and knew nothing about medication for HIV or anything. He thought his life was over. But ”my” guy stood up, in a room full of other people, and talked to the boy. And he said ”Look at me! I am strong, I am healthy. And I am HIV positive. As long as you take your mankwahla (medicine), like I do, you will be just as healthy as me!” And the boy could smile again, and now my lovely beach guy is like his mentor. Helps him out, reiminds him to eat food, helps him and explain the medication for HIV... It is beautiful. This guy is quite fat, have bad skin and wears old worn out clothes. He washes himself in the lake using a piece of old fishing net to clean his body. He is poor, and he earns his living by fooling tourists to buy a lot of crap. And honestly, at first sight you might get a little scared of him. But I think he is one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, and he has a heart of gold.
Now Im back in Nkhoma, to tired to go to Isabelle for dinner, so I had some chicken at home.
Work tomorrow, back to reality...
And by the way, I now know what Malawi means! Malawi is chichewa, and means ”Flames”. And it is called that because in the dry season, when it is dark, there a thousands of grass fires on the waist lands and on the mountains. It lights up the sky and it is the only thing you can see in the deep, african darkness. I've seen the fires many times, and even Christian and Jenny saw them. When tthe locals see these fires, they say ”Malawi wa Moto” with means ”Flames of Fire”. Cool, huh? =)
At a crappy internet cafe...
Raining in Nkhoma hospital
Patients in the hospital (hungry baby =))
Washing the children, also in the hospital.
My health passport (with emergency triage colour)
Surgery: removing lypoma.
Nkhoma Market (rainy season)Well today Im in Lilongwe! Found a crappy internet cafe, but the internet is fast(er) so that is at least nice... (note that in malwi internet cafe does NOT mean they serve anything to drink or eat....) The weather is HOT and moist. Had planned to go to the lake really, but didn't feel well this morning and besides we are going next weekend. Se I decided to just do some shopping today, pay for the safari with Sofia and Daniel in february and have some ice cream. Nice! =)
But on the way here we hit a dog.. =((( The driver didn't even sound the horn or break or anything, just drove right over it. Bomp! And noone reacted. I felt horrible.... =( But i am not surprised.
Here, they only stop for goats. they sound the horn for people (if they don't move they get run over) and they just drive over dogs without refelcting. It's becasue a goat is worh more than anything, cause a goat means money and food.... Horrible!!!
Yesterday our oldest clinical officer fell ill. He had a heart attack, and almost died! He was taken to our ER and taken care of all night ( not by me and link, we were asleep. So the malawian nurses did an excellent job on their own! which is great!). And he survived! Everyone said he would have been dead if not for this project, and I think that is true, cause there would have been no good place where everything he needed was collected without it.. Anyway, he is fine now, and very grateful for the ER.. He said that it was good for him as a staff members to exerience the difference it makes... =) But I felt felt so sorry for him, he is one of my absolute favorite persons down here.. He is around 75, and an excellent surgeon.. And very calm, and always understandning... So I am very happy he made it.
ANyway, 83 days to go!!! =DDDDD Wish I had a chocolate calender or something to count down.. :) Longing to come home to Sweden and Norway!!! Especially to Christian. Miss him so much you can't believe it....
This is our ER before and after! =)
Bye bye!
