Mary in Malawi

Yeah.. I don't know what has happend. All the energy I had built up over christmas is gone.. just gone. I just feel like crying all the time, I don't have any energy left. What happend.. I don't know..  Today at work I jsut started crying, without any particular reason... It just came.  I think one thing is that everyone is asking for money, and it feels like they have just been waiting fo me to come home so they can start asking again. Two days ago when I was home all day, just sleeping after the journye, i think five people knocked the door. Just to ask for money. And The gardener asks, ans the security guard asks... And people come early in the morning, knocking the door before we have even got out of bed... To ask for money. Today I recieved a letter from a lady, she gave it to link in the morning, but it was adressed to me.. And it was a sad sad story, witten in very bad english and it was so devastating to read... and she also asked for money... It is so horrible to deal with, it's worse then I ever thought it would be.. You cant ever understand it comepletely without seeing it and experience it for yourself. In the beginning I didn't mind it so much... but now it is just... toooo much! =( I spoke to a docotr who has worked in Uganda for 14 years, when is was still war there...  And he has now been in Nkhoma for 9 months. He said that this place is much worse than uganda from that aspect, dealing with people asking for things. And also he has big problems dealing with it... He said that sometimes he felt like he had a heart of stone, being  almost mean to people to keep them away, and sometimes he was overwhelmed by it and felt so bad for it and that he during these times let everyone push him around and just giving everything to everyone... And he said that it is soo extremely difficult to find a way between being cold hearted and overwhelmed by feelings... Almost impossible. Soo aaaa... I don't know what to do.. Right now I  feel like a sheep thrown at a flock of wolves.. everyone pushing and pulling, asking you for help and assistance... I just want to scream and run away, or hide somewhere,, where noone can find me.

And now it is lunchbreak, we are watching Disneys "Tarzan" and I'm crying like a baby...

Yeah, one fun thing... Yesterday I made an LP, Lumbal punction. =) Doctor Ewa from Poland has been teaching me, and when I've done 10 sucessful LP:s she will write me a "delegation" or something that i can put in my CV =)

And yeah haha, I was woken up tonight by the Ngari from the lab at midnight. Ít was an emergency, a woman had had twins and her uterus had ruputred so she was bleeding out of control. She was O neg, and can only recieve from other O negs. They had no O neg blood at all, not even in Lilongwe. So they had to take mine, or she would die. So they did =) I hope she is ok, I will go check on her later today.

Now, i'll eat something i think. And cry some more over Tarzan.. ;)

Sorry about all the complaining....

M